All He wanted was two minutes of my attention
Over the last two years especially in the most recent months since being in Canada again, the Lord has been really linking arms with me in teaching me about identity. It seems to also be a common topic that I hear about often now a day. Everyone seems to be trying to find their identity and figure out who they are, so we take all sorts of personality tests, enneagram tests, Meyers Briggs test, love language tests, etc. Hands up if you’ve taken any of these tests in the last 6 months… my hand is way UP!
I love that we have all these amazing sources to help us and I openly admit that some days I feel like I am walking in circles wondering what the heck I am doing, and then leading to wondering what my calling in life is, who am I, what should I do, am I doing the right thing and so on. Life is still moving and I don’t want to waste time.
One thing I have taken from all this thinking and questioning, and praying is that, it is okay to take risks, to try new things, trying to figure out who we are takes work, so you might as well do something, you know?
I often find myself feeling like a “jack of all trades” sort of woman and while I have many talents and gifts which I am so grateful for that, sometimes having too many options is overwhelming. The Enneagram 4 in me is freaking out, but the wing 3 in me is eager and passionate to keep going.
But the thing that I keep being brought back to, literally every single day, is my relationship with the Lord. When we moved back home from Scotland I really struggled with figuring out who I am now that we are back. Life here changed, we changed, so where do I fit? What do I do now? What kind of image do I want to portray because of social media. That’s so “millennial” of me to say. So I openly tried many things like trying new churches, homeschooling my kids - which that thankfully ended, and started very slowly getting back into doing hair again, guys that took me 8 months before I started taking clients again, and then I even took the jump with an MLM direct sales company that while it was relative to my trade being a Hairstylist, direct sales is HARD and is not for everyone and gets me in all sorts of anxiety. I love the products and continue to use them, I really felt that once again the lord was bringing me back to my passion which is my relationship with Him, family, prophecy, and worship. When we were living abroad I really began to see a side of me that was passionate for writing and bringing light to realities of living abroad and what the lord was speaking to me about and teaching. I began to use my photography hobby as a way to bring imagery to my writings. The feedback from many around the word honestly was very humbling. However, moving home was hard on me spiritually and emotionally, but God still met me in those moments. I had thought about letting go of my blog website but that just didn’t feel right. And though my biggest passion is worship, it was so hard on me when the Lord was telling me not get plugged in yet. Ouch. And so I began to feel lost. Am I more than just a stay-at-home mom and wife? Is this all I am meant to be?
I had a really cool encounter with God a couple months ago and this is what has pushed me to this today. I was feeling hopeless, helpless, self-pity, and lonely, but God met with me. I knew he was trying to get my attention one night while I was mindlessly scrolling through Instagram and Facebook, I heard the lord saying my name asking me to spend some time with him, I look up to my ceiling as if he was hanging out there and said not right now. I was a bit weirded out when I suddenly felt my leg feel like it was on fire, I discerned right away it was just God’s funny way of getting my attention which worked, but I still checked ‘all the things’ to prove that maybe it wasn’t God. The crazy thing is that my leg wasn’t hot to the touch, I wasn’t in pain, it just felt hot as if I was wearing black trousers in the hot sunshine, so I stand up and shake it off and decided to go upstairs to get ready for bed.
*Now as a side note, our weekly women’s bible study group was doing a series that included a Daily Office devotional where you spend 2 mins in total silence with God before the reading and then again after. Shutting your mind off from any distractions, just you and God. This was not at all easy and I found it hard to keep up with, and you’re supposed to do this twice a day, a total of 8 minutes in silence with the Lord. I had already done my first that morning, but by this time it was 11pm and I hadn’t done the other set.
I go upstairs and sit on my bed and open my laptop to get Netflix ready. I had a good laugh when I read the verse that was on my screen from an email devotional that I did not read that day saying, “…on your bed, reflect in your heart and be still. Selah” Psalm 4:4 (CSB).
He had my attention.
I set my timer for 2 minutes. I closed my eyes and held my hands out open and suddenly I tangibly felt him holding my hands. He began to tell me all these beautiful and wonderful things that he loves about me. He said to me the good qualities in me that he gave me are with purpose and lovingly reminded me not to look at others and compare. The gifts he gave them are for them, not me. The gifts he gave me are for me, not them. “Trust me with the gifts you have, my daughter” He said. While I still felt my hands being held I brought them to my face and felt that he was cupping my face the way a parent would with their child when they are sad and telling them they love them. I felt this. I felt how much he loved me. I felt him hold on to face. I have never felt such a presence of peace over me in my life. All he wanted was two minutes of my attention. Those 2 minutes have permanently impacted my life that I will never forget.
God has called me to many things, to worship, he has called me to be a mother and wife, he has called me to write, and he called me to be creative. I am all these things and more, but I am nothing in them without Him.
So alas I come to this. For the month of May I decided to share a photo every day with a scripture verse, and maybe a short “blurb” if the Holy Spirit prompts me to say more. I literally thought of this today so I am starting late in the day, but it’s happening. I don’t know exactly what God wants out of all of this, but I know I am also called to be obedient. We are all here for a purpose and right now while I am not doing everything that brings me passion and seem to be in this weird and awkward season of rest and life, I strongly feel that God is asking me to do this.
I have missed writing and leading worship. But it is time for me and you to see that there is a purpose and time and place for everything we do, and with the right mindset the Lord will bring good things out of it. So, I hope this blesses and encourages you today. If you are in a time if your life where you feel you have no purpose, know that you have something so special to offer in this season that no one else can bring. You are unique, you fearfully and wonderfully made. And He made no mistake with you.